Friday, May 11, 2012

Things my daughter taught me

It has been six months since Caitrin came so briefly into this world. Happy Birthday, my little girl.

There are days when it feels like it's been only a few weeks, and other times I cannot remember life before this loss. It has been hard. Really hard. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. There have been meltdowns, lots of them. There will be lots more. And that is okay.

But I have also experienced gratitude. I wish with all my being my Caitrin was a bubbling six-month-old and that all I had to complain about was sleepless nights and balancing being a working mom. I'd give anything to change history. But I can't. And given that, I wouldn't give up any of my experience of my daughter, even with all of the pain. The love I have for her, and will always have for her, makes the pain bearable. I wouldn't trade that love just to escape the pain. She is worth all of it.

There is peace in that feeling, the knowledge that no matter how much you wouldn't have chosen this life, you wouldn't change it, either. It is my experience, and Caitrin is the best gift I've ever gotten. Her time here was far too short, but she had a big impact.

On her six month birthday and two days before Mother's Day, I can't shower her with gifts and she can't give me sloppy kisses (which is all I really wanted). Instead, I recognize and honor the gifts that she has since given me. Here's to you, Caitrin, and all I've learned from you and my experience of Motherhood.

A mother's love is pure and strong and the best thing I have ever experienced.

Family is all that really matters.

I have the best partner a woman could ask for in my husband. We survived this, and we can survive anything because we are stronger and our love is stronger. I love you, Peter.

Say "I Love You" often, and mean it. It will make your heart sing. No one ever regretted saying "I Love You" too much.

Appreciate the small things in life.

Don't fuss over trivial things that won't matter tomorrow or next week or next year. And thank you, Caitrin, because it is now easy to see what these things are!

Friends and family are there for you. It's okay to ask for help. That is what friends are for, and it is freeing to let go of the pride that you can go it alone.

Don't rush through life. Linger over conversations with friends, family and strangers. Your life will be better for a moment spent connecting with someone. Later, it won't' matter if you were late to an appointment, but you will remember the time spent with another person.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself in the way you would take care of a loved one.

You are a parent even if you have never watched your child look up at you adoringly.

Some people get it, others don't. Make room in your life for the ones who do.

It's okay to be really, really angry sometimes. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, acknowledge it, and then work on healing.

Focus on what you truly love about your life, and say goodbye to the rest. The simplicity is refreshing.

You have a lot less control than you think you do. Best to make peace with that.

Life goes on, even when you're not ready for it to. But it's okay for it to go on without you for a little while; it'll be there waiting when you're ready.

I am not alone. There are people who have walked this path before me, with me, and behind me. I feel blessed that there is a community of women who are there for me. We are stronger together.

I love you, Caitrin, and miss you every day. You are the greatest gift I've ever received. I am eternally grateful for all you've taught me these last six months, and look forward to all you will teach me in the future.


  1. Beautiful, are a mommy. You had that sweet baby for 40 weeks. You are an inspiration for your strength and honesty!

    1. Thank you, Tracie. It's support of friends like you who make it possible to be strong!